Just got a mini Dachshund named Zweigle! http://www.zweigles.com/

In Massachusetts I've come across a traffic device I'd never seen before: the flashing green light. I know that flashing red means "stop", flashing yellow means "use caution", I can only assume that flashing green means "floor it"...

My Technology Predictions:
1) IP Convergence - TV, phone, radio, etc. will all be IP-based and available through your broadband connection. VOIP is already commonplace and Internet radio, TV, and movie downloads are beginning to take off.

2) Wireless everything - it's already happening (cell phones, bluetooth, wi-fi). Soon all broadband will be wireless as Wi-MAX and other technologies allow for fast, easy access to all your IP-based technologies wherever you go across all your devices.

3) Consolidation of data access - The current model is redundant and forces consumers to pay multiple times for data access: cell phone data plan, cable/DSL, DirecTv, XM/Sirius, land-line phone, 3G wireless cards, Wi-Fi hotspot access, etc. In the future, these will be consolidated and access will be shared across all your devices.

Upon reading through the various features of this sweet LED flashlight, I noticed a show of patriotism gone stupid. I had no idea that China waved the Stars and Stripes! Go big Red(&white&blue...)!

My first published photo! I was published in AutoWeek May 7, 2007. I spotted this car in Harvard Square in Cambridge, MA.

Want to know how walkable a place is?
Check out Walkscore
My Walkscore is 83/100.
My favorite famous place: President Bush's Crawford Ranch - Walkscore = 0/100 (shocking I know!)

My D-link wireless router stopped functioning after 4 months. I created an RMA request for a replacement router with D-link on 10/13/06. I decided not to return the product until after I received the replacement to ensure that I returned all required items shipped to me. The product was temporarily lost by UPS and was delayed several days. It was supposed to be delivered on Friday, 10/20 but was not received until Monday 10/23. I work out of town during the week and installed the replacement router when I returned on Friday 10/27 and shipped the defective router the next day on 10/28 via USPS (since I didn't trust UPS). Router was received by D-link on 11/14, 2 days beyond the 30 day limit. The D-link's "Cross-Shipment Agreement," does not define a critical element to a contract: the price I would be charged if it was not returned within the 30 day window. The CSA states that I "...will be charged one hundred percent (100%) the value of the replacement unit(s)..." No where in the contract does it state how the value is to be determined. I originally paid $64.99 for the router in June. It is unconscionable that D-link would attempt to charge $149.99 for defective version of the same product. I made a good faith attempt at expediently returning the defective product. I have attempted on multiple occasions to resolve this with D-link to no avail. I am currently disputing this charge with my credit card company.

I just recently started seeing Pepperidge Farm cookies with the pink breast cancer support ribbons on the package. I think it is ironic that cookies (a significant contributor to the obesity epidemic) are somehow supporting a cure for breast cancer since obesity is one of the leading causes of breast cancer.

Here is a zz430 Chevy crate engine. It is basically what I have in my 81 Trans Am minus the nifty valve covers and waterpump.

I bowled the two best games of my life this week: 172 and 169. (Just wanted that info out on the net...)

Three years ago, the Supreme Court announced that the United States would no longer execute the mentally retarded. Last week they announced that the United States would no longer execute children. The United States: a shining example to rest of the world...

I visited Paramus New Jersey over Memorial Day weekend. It's less than 10 miles from the biggest city in the country (NYC) but you wouldn't have known by talking to the people there.

Me: "What's the best way to get into the city?"

Hotel Clerk: "What city?"

The thing that really got me though was the fact that it is illegal to purchase non-food items on a Sunday. In Paramus you can't purchase paper towels on a Sunday but if you travel a Just few miles east you can purchase a hooker any time!

I've recently seen a number hybrid cars with special Virginia plates that read "Clean Special Fuel." Since hybrid cars run on gasoline, I guess my 430hp Trans Am that gets 9mpg also runs on "Clean Special Fuel."

So I went to a Sushi bar for the first time last night. The place was upscale and yuppie and I think it may have been sponsored by IKEA. The sushi tasted kinda fishy...

Do the people that work at Phillip Morris get discounts on cigarettes? Are frequent smoke breaks looked upon favorably? Do employees get fired if they smoke a competitor's brand? Perhaps ironically, they make it extreamly challenging for smokers indulge in their habit. Oh the conflict of interest...

Sometimes new inventions are really a step in the wrong direction. Take automatic flush toilets for example. Half the time they don't work and half the time it flushes randomly and sprays your ass with toilet water (and not Eau de Toilet).

Actual Fortune Cookie fortune from Chinese restaurant in DC Chinatown: "You will have some new clothes soon."

So I'm a consultant now and I work at the client site. The floor I work on is in between the basement (floor 0) and the first floor (floor 1). So I guess that makes the floor I work on floor 0.5. I feel like I'm in the movie "Being John Malkovich."

Why is it that so many people are putting American flags on Japanese cars? There's nothing wrong with driving an import but putting an American flag on it is like putting Japanese characters on your Corvette.

In all but 7 states, women outnumber men. Who is the real minority in America?... http://www.census.gov to find out more truths that the government is telling....

"I almost bought a "Fendi" in Italy from an African man who was being chased by Vatican City undercover police." - EI (true story)

If French fries are now "Freedom fries" and French toast is now "Freedom toast" doesn't that make France the "Land of the Free?"

"It never not starts." - EI about her car Harrison.

Why do some people insist on treating animals humanely when they aren't human?

Half way through applying deodorant this morning I ran out and was forced to open another stick. My left pit now eminates Cool Peak and my right pit Active Sport.

"It's a Fendi!"

"I'll talk to you yesterday, now." --Ellen in GMT talking to me in EST.

Stupid product of the month: Reduced Sodium Salt (Yes it really exists! Saw it in the UK recently.)
Logical Perspective: Salt is NaCl or sodium chloride. Reduce the sodium and we are left with chloride: yummy!
Practical Perspective: You now need to add a cup of Reduced Sodium Salt to get the same effect as one pinch of the regular stuff.

My parents recently discovered that we have mice in our house. They purchased a set of mouse traps and have thus far caught eight mice and one Dachshund.

This past week has been crazy! Here is a list of places I have been recently: Cincinnati Ohio, Northern Kentucky, Detroit Michigan, London England, Colchester England, Minneapolis Minnesota, Pittsburgh Penn. 6 flights, 9,000 miles and I'm spent....

A benefit to having a lousy memory: you only need a couple of movies and few books in your private collection; watch/read them again and again. It's new to you!

Time is another of the great equalizers (death being another). Everyone has the same amount of time in a day, week, or year. We use our time to play, work, sleep, and various other activites. Some people turn their time into money through work. Some people make $5 an hour while others make thousands of dollars an hour. Some sleep 10 hours a day while others sleep 4. Some people look at time like money while others do not. Do you spend and invest time? People who do tend to get worried and upset if they do not feel they have gotten the return on their investment they were expecting. This return may come as a feeling such as happiness, satisfaction, or love. It may also come in monetary means. The more money a person has, the more valuable his time becomes. Therefore, a relatively poor person might invest 4 hours for $30 in return. An affluent individual might need $3,000 in exchange for those same 4 hours. Money is not the only factor here. A wealthy individual will accept -$ for time if the happiness, satisfaction, love, etc. is great enough. In conclusion, as a person's monitary wealth changes (a variable resource) it's value relative to a person's time (a static resource) changes.

I went to see the new Eminem movie "8-Mile" at the midnight showing on opening night. Never have I smelled so much pot in a movie theater.

"TNN: We've got Pop." What is that about? What exactly is pop and how is it possible that TNN has it? In my experience, the only shows on TNN are fishing/hunting shows, "Horse Power TV," NASCAR, and reruns of "Dukes of Hazard." I would like to suggest a name change for TNN: it should now be refered to as TRNN (Total Red Neck Network).

The Shakespearian Insulter

Oh yes, and the Cincinnati proposal to join the free world (as in free to live without a car as a lifestyle choice, free to take mass transit, free to not sit in bumper to bumper traffic with 2 million SUVs, and free help the environment) failed miserably. I think I'm leaving.

I voted yesterday. I checked the results online today and was disappointed to discover that they didn't listen to me. How discouraging...

I've decided what I want to do when I grow up: I want to be part of the Ninja Turtles. But I don't want to be a turtle but rather something more impressive like a tiger. I could be called "Teenage Mutant Ninja Tiger." Now that would be cool...

What's up with artificial grape flavoring? It tastes entirely nothing like a grape. Although artificial "grape" flavoring is quite good, it really shouldn't pretend to be something it isn't. I propose renaming "artificial grape flavoring," "purple flavoring" because that's really what it is.

I feel sorry for smart people with southern accents. Cus ya ain't gunna sound 2 intellergint cus-a yer aksent.

A small Joy...

Finding reading material next to the john at work.

Did you Know...
Eating a frosted honeybun and washing it down with a coke leaves the amazing aftertaste of stale "ashtray."

Note to self: go to dentist.

I think this blog may have just "jumped the shark." Time will tell...

It's been a while since I have posted anything. There is a good reason however! I'm busy.

Sometimes I think we Americans are stupid. The sad thing is that we perpetuate stupidity. I was on the tram at the airport a few weeks ago and was amazed to hear how detailed the instructions were for its use. "Please move away from the doors and toward the middle of the tram (as if you could move away from the doors and toward the outside of the tram...)." "Please hold on to the hand rails. The doors are closing. The tram is leaving the station." I guess some of this might be helpful to a blind person (although they can still hear the door closing and feel the tram moving) but do we really need to be told how to do everything? Where do we draw the line between helpful instruction and annoying stupidity crutch? We even have to be told that the coffee we ordered is going to be (surprise!) hot. Water has 0 calories and 0 grams of fat in case you were wondering. Also, peanut butter is "made with peanuts." Oh yeah, and I think everyone knows that smoking causes cancer, death, etc. and alcohol impares judgment, is bad for babies, etc. When people from other countries see this stuff, they get the impression that we are children and need to be told everything. Let's try leaving people in the dark for a while and see how many morons we can filter out of the gene pool.

Contest of the Week #2

Create a virus that actually improves people. The following are some possible suggestions:

1) A virus that kills various other viruses.

2) A virus that repairs the body (see Wolverine).

3) An anti-aging virus.

4) A virus that builds muscle mass.

5) I virus that increases intelligence.

Winner takes home "The Nutty Professor" DVD, a case of Spam Lite, and a signed first issue of "Spawn."

I've become desensitized to most of the news recently. I think they have run out of “news.” All I seem to hear about are things like “the Dow slipped another 147 points today,” or blah blah blah “Iraq” blah blah blah “Saddam” blah blah blah “War on Terrorism” blah blah blah. These things are neither new nor interesting. Please tell me something new and interesting if you want to claim it as news. And oh, interesting as in thought provoking or intriguing which means pop stars and reality TV shows don’t count.

Contest of the Week:

Genetically engineer humans to function at 100% capacity on 2 hours sleep each night. Winner gets a $100 gift certificate to White Castle and a night light.

Productivity declined 39% in what can only be seen as a response to the inoperable coffee maker. In a related story, falling asleep on the job increased by a staggering 547%. Starbucks sales up 4% on the day.

Alternative music is alternative to what exactly? Silence? Sounds pretty much like new rock music to me.

Three questions and a Statement...

What's with fashion? Has anyone else noticed that we are returning to the 70's? Is the 80's next? I shutter.

I've decided that my blog could use a few good writers. If you feel you can meet or exceed the quality expectations laid for this blog and wish to become a writer for "Anti-Zen," please leave me a message! (on the left under "Leave a Message!"; no, your other left.)

I tashte like Alcohol. Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

I watched the movie Van Wilder last night for the first time. Although comedically of American Pie and Road Trip ilk, this film had a much more substantial collegiate-higher-purpose theme reminiscent of PCU. Themes include caring, sharing, diversity, love, understanding, overcoming adversity, and baking with bulldog semen.

I’m thinking about getting back into shape. I’m not really out of “shape” but I definitely don’t have the endurance I used to have. I’m 22 and could be in peak form. Last time I was really in shape was probably my sophomore year of high school when I ran track. I will now list my best achievements so that I don’t forget them when I go senile and so that I have a point of reference. (BTW, none of these are really stellar by any stretch of the imagination.)

200 meter 25 sec.
400 meter 59.3 sec.
800 meter 2 min. 18 sec.
High Jump 5 ft. (starting height)

Deep Thought of the Day…
Future archeologists are going to have an interesting albeit difficult job when they search for information about our present. Previously, an archeologist would be lucky to find broken, incomplete remains with which to draw inferences on the past. With the advent of electronic data storage we can now store nearly infinitely large amounts of data. What a job it would be to look at our massive current information in the future and try to draw an accurate picture of the way things were.

Top 15 Richest Fictional Charachters According to Forbes:

Rank Name Net Worth
1. Santa Claus $ ∞
2. Richie Rich 24.7 billion
3. Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks 10 billion
4. Scrooge McDuck 8.2 billion
5. Thurston Howell III 8 billion
6. Willie Wonka 8 billion
7. Bruce Wayne 6.3 billion
8. Lex Luthor 4.7 billion
9. J.R. Ewing 2.8 billion
10. Auric Goldfinger 1.2 billion
11. C. Montgomery Burns 1 billion
12. Charles Foster Kane 1 billion
13. Cruella De Vil 875 millon
14. Gordon Gekko 650 millon
15. Jay Gatsby 600 millon

You know what I need right now? Fried Chicken.

My 92 Mazda Protege just hit the 100,000 mile mark the other day. I thought about throwning a party but decided to just vacuum the car instead.

Over 65,000 fans packed Paul Brown Stadium this weekend as UC nearly defeated number 6 ranked OSU 23-19. UC made it harder on themselves with a missed extra point attempt, missed field goal, and touchback interception in the the fourth quarter. Still UC had 4 chances to convert from the red zone in the last minutes of play. Had UC been able to convert, I think the Bengals would have had to find a new home (considering their recent 30-3 loss bringing them to 0-3 on the season). Maybe they can have Nippert Stadium.

I had the opportunity to observe thousands of Cincinnatians this weekend at Oktoberfest. I think that about half the people there were relatively easy to classify into east-sider or west-sider. West-siders are the easiest to pick out with certainty. East-siders were most likely to be dressed "business casual" and could be found frequenting the authentic German beers. Any white "ghetto playaz" wearing gold chains (w/ cross), Adidas Superstars, and drinking Miller Lite I was 99% sure they came from the west-side. A tatto of anything Nascar related ups the odds to 99.99999%.

I went to Oktoberfest Zinzinnati last night. One question I have is how it is possible for the "Official Beer of Oktoberfest Zinzinnati" to be Miller Lite. This is just sad.

So far my 1981 Trans Am has run the 1/4 mile in 13.3 seconds. Here are a few other cars in that range:

1995 Chevrolet Corvette 13.7 sec
1999 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 SS 13.5 sec
1969 Chevrolet Camaro ZL-1 13.8 sec
1999 Ferrari 456M GTA 14.0 sec
2001 Ford Mustang GT 14.0 sec
2001 Ford Mustang Cobra 13.5 sec
2001 Ford F-150 Lightning 13.8 sec
2000 Ford Saleen S281 Supercharged 13.8 sec
2000 Honda S2000 13.8 sec
2000 Pontiac Trans Am WS6 13.5 sec
2000 Porsche Boxster S 13.8 sec
2001 Porsche 911 Carrera 14.0 sec

To see specs on other cars check out Car-Stats.com

Below are my results. As you can see I am only slightly psychotic...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

If you are reading this, you have read through approximately 1/7 of the Internet. Congratulations!

It's interesting how "The Man" can be completely different from "da Man." "The Man" is holding me down. You hit a fade-away jumper to take the lead and "you da Man!" I'm still confused who exactly is this "Man" and whether or not that is good.

I think it's funny that Toyota is so proud of itself for its recent creation of a hybrid vehicle that gets 52mpg. It uses a small gas engine, an electric motor, and a plethora of sensors and high tech components to achieve this efficiency. Not bad gas mileage really but I don't find it very impressive since in the late 1980's Honda was getting 55mpg from their carburated CRX HF. They can be impressed with themselves when they get something a bit more astounding like 80mpg.

I watched the Matrix last night. I've seen it about a dozen times but still haven't figured out a couple of logic flaws in the film. Here are a couple of questions I'd like answered:

1) How does the Matrix develop a "residual self image" of each person if each person has been from birth, suspended in a stasis chamber?

2) Why doesn't the Matrix create more than three agents since they are just software programs and could easily be copied?

Weird but true...
In the Greater Cincinnati area, there were 6 OfficeMax stores. Now there are only 4 due to a serious lack of corporate responcibility. Exactly 0 of which are inside the I-275 loop around the city. Therefore, if a person that works downtown(amazingly, some people actually do work downtown), needs office supplies, and chooses to frequent OfficeMax (I have no idea why a person would) he/she must travel approximately 20 miles to get there which means depending on traffic it could reasonably take between 25 minutes and 6 hours to get there.

Something to Try...
If you are pulled over for speeding, tell the officer you are Dale Earnhardt Jr. and that you don't know how to slow down. This will help you in your case if you decide to plead insanity.

And now a little section I like to call...

"Things I'd do if I had enough money to repay the national debt but didn't repay it and instead did something cool with it:"

I'd form my own start up automobile manufacturer and make cars that don't suck. In stead of using shoddy material and building cars so that they need to be replaced every few years I'll build cars using only top-quality materials and they will be designed so that they can last for as last essentially forever. However, I'll these cars will not run off of gasoline, diesel, or other fossil fuel but rather organically produced alcohol. These cars would be comparable in perfomance to a gas-powered car but fuel would cost 20% of what it costs to run a gasoline car. Also, unlike these new "hybrid" cars, these cars will not be ugly. In fact, since these cars are designed to last forever and since styles change, the body of the car can be recycled and replaced with different styles as desired. In a combined marketing effort, I would set up fuel stations around the country with my new fuel so that everyone can fuel up in their neighborhood. Although I might not ever make a profit, after I forced all of the other car companies to build better, environmentally safe cars or go out of business, I would have accomplished my goal.

And now a little section I like to call...

"Things I'd do if I had enough money to repay the national debt but didn't repay it and instead did something cool with it:"

I'd buy radio stations in every major city around the country. I would proceed to air music, commercial free, and non-stop. And not crappy music either: good, popular music. I would also give listeners REAL variety, not what current radio stations seem to think is variety. I'd like to see other radio stations try to compete with my "20-year-non-stop-block-of-rock."

I wonder if all people see colors the same way. With the obvious exception of the color-blind and those who can't see at all, we generally take for granted that we all see the same colors. But what if what I see as green, you see as red? We both agree that grass is usually green but is it my green or yours? Early on in life we learn what to call the colors that we see. At this point, children learn that the tree trunk is brown, that car is red, and the sky is blue. We could however, be calling these things the same color but actually be seeing them differently. Just imagine what the world would be like if you saw each color as a different one. Maybe that's how some people see the world as normal.

Here is a list of TV shows I avoid like the plague: (list subject to change)

1) Survivor or any of the copycats (Big Brother, Fear Factor, etc.)

2) Dawson's Creek

3) American Idol; I don't want to know anything about it.

4) Fishing/hunting Shows

5) Barney

I just signed up for a frequent flyer account, a frequent #1 car-renter account, and a frequent "Honors" hotel-user account. I think that some other industries should start with these frequent user accounts.

Here are a few I'd like to see:

1) R.J. Reynolds Frequent Smoker Club: 100,000,000 cigarette points gets you your choice of a free lung or a "Kiss Kasket."

2) Uncle Sam Frequent Payer Program: $10 of payed taxes = 1 Uncle Sam Point. Use your Uncle Sam Points the same way Uncle Sam uses your cash! Here are just a few of the wonderful products and services you can buy with your Uncle Sam Points:

A multifunction screw driver: it puts screws in and take them out; 10,000 USP.
A piece of pork-barrel legislation that gives business tax breaks for building on your own personal land! 100,000 USP.
Your very own "get out of jail free" card (just like the politicians use!); 500,000 USP.

You just might look for ways to pay extra taxes just to accumulate those valuable Uncle Sam Points!

3) The Frequent "Frequent" club: Earn points every time you join a frequent anything club.

4) The Frequently Lazy club: Earn points good for gadgets that help you become even more lazy. Earn points for things like driving your car across the street when you could have just as easily walked; Earn points for important lazyness enabling devices in your home like remote controls, "The Clapper", or a maid; Earn points for calling in to work "sick" to watch TV or sleep; Earn double points for all lazyness enabling devices including fast food purchased on your Lazy Card.

And now a little section I like to call...

"Things I'd do if I had enough money to repay the national debt but didn't repay it and instead did something cool with it:"

I'd buy Major League Baseball. Then I would announce a per player salary cap of $1million. This would cause the over-paid babies to strike. I would then fire them and bring up the minor leaguers to replace them. Somebody has to be willing to "play a game" for $1millon or less a year. I know these guys work hard standing around for upwards of 3 hours a day 4 or even 5 times a week but I think most people, even those who work 80 hours a week would be happy with a Major League starting salary. It may sound cold-hearted but don't really feel sorry for people who do that little, get paid that much, and want more. And if the minor leaguers feel like they are getting cheated I'll just fire them and replace them with the guys from the Little League World Series. I think they drew a bigger audience than most Major League teams anyway and will work for video games and junk food.

sUCk

Deep Thoughts...

Numbers are infinite. Numbers go tens, hundreds, thousands, millions, billions, trillions, etc. But what comes after that? I'm sure some smartass will have the answer for the next five words in the number sequence but how about 10^98766782490014677421784453323? Betcha don't know that one! Since numbers are infinite, any sound or combination of sounds must be verbal representation of a number somewhere. So when I say "blahblahplop..." it could verbally represent 3.454323345x10^3489714789792548792897847928375. Or if I said "eleventy manillian" it could verbally represent 1.1x10^87254815915815719878978913570. Now it gets really strange... "This is not a verbal representation of a number" could verbally represent a number like 4.2334223464468801x10^123489781975878768238734893. I wonder what number "buttmunch" is?...

I listen to MP3s at work and since my computer has a multitasking disability the music sometimes skips at random times. This adds some random originality to songs I have otherwise heard hundreds if not thousands of times. It's like a new set of remixes everytime you boot up!

Q&A: Why do Americans call it Germany, the French call it Allemagne, and the Germans call it Deutschland?

I asked a guy this question at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich, Germany. Apparently, before Germany was a nation, there were just Germanic tribes in the area. The English only knew of one tribe, (Germany) the French had dealings with another (Allemagne). So when Germany became a nation (Deutschland) English speakers and French speakers continued refering to the Deutschland as the tribe they were familiar with. It is O.K. to refer to Deutschland as Germany or Allemagne (according to this German I met in Munich). It is much the same as refering to the UK as "England" or "Scotland" (different parts of the same country although some would argue...). And now you know!

A question worth pondering... Why are people from central and south America refered to as Latinos? Why is Latin America called Latin America? They don't speak Latin. Yes, Spanish is a romance language but so is French, Portugese, Romanian and Italian. I would think Italians would be the most Latin of all since they are more directly related to people who actually spoke Latin.

It is interesting to note that every major country in Europe (sorry Lichtenstein...) has been The major world power at some point. Greece, Italy, Spain, France, England, Germany have all been at the top at one point or another. Interestingly enough, none has retained the #1 spot which has fallen over to the U.S. in recent years. England however, has yet to realize that they are no longer a world super-power. In fact, they don't even have a car company they can call their own. This theory fits with why the English hate the French, despise the Germans, and loathe pretty much everyone else. But don't lose heart English fans! The U.S. will be knocked off our pedestal and to join the English and the rest of the former super-powers soon enough. I am sure it will take us 2 to 9 decades decades to realize that the new #1 is now China.

Anti-Zen #6

"You can't win them all."

Well actually...Depending on what it is, you might be able to win them all. For example, playing Madden 2002 on "easy" mode. You can and should win them all. Another way you can win them all is if you cheat. For example you could have "non-special" Olymipic athletes participate in the "special" Olympics. I would be reasonably comfortable betting that the "non-special" atheletes would "win them all." Also, in reference to MLB, if you have enough money you can win them all. (see Yankees)

Having read 1/4 of the Internet, I found this amuzing bit on rail travel in America:

Moon Amtrak

If Milwaukee's best beer is "Milwaukee's Best" beer I'd hate to try their other beers.

Wouldn't it be interesting if we just deleted September 11th from the calendar? It could be just like the 13th floor of buildings. Unlucky so we just omitted it. We could just give February the extra day so it could be more of a real month.

Popular Misconceptions about Australia:

1) Everyone drives a Subaru.

2) In Australia, Fosters is Australian for beer. Actually beer is Australian for beer.

3) Mr. Dundee is the president of Australia.

4) Australians speak Australian.

5) Austrians are a type of Australian.

6) Australians are by and large gay because men are always calling other men “mate.”

7) Quips made by movie stars using an Australian accent in a facetious manner are representative of the way Australians actually speak.

8) When an Aussie talks about taking a trip to "the Outback" they mean they are going to have steak for dinner.

9) The “bloomin’ onion” is Australia’s national flower.

10) To a large extent, Steve Irwin (a.k.a. the “Crocodile Hunter,” a.k.a. “Mr. Death Wish”) is a fair representation of the average Australian male.

Did you know...

The earth is spherical.

The number one ingredient in beer is water.

Another name for cow is bovine.

Cold things contain less heat than things which are hot.

Monty Python isn't a person.

Krispy Kreme doughnuts do not contain the letter "c." (must be German)

Antarctica is the least populated of the Earth's seven continents.

The average dog has four legs.

Human beings are the only mammals able to drive stickshifts.

After spending over a month in France where people are well-dressed, thin, drive small cars, eat fancy small portions of food, and speak French I sustained a significant culture shock when I returned to my home country and was forced to fly into Dallas on my way home to Cincinnati. I am now convinced that Texas is the Anti-France.

I think we as Americans place too much emphasis on time and money.

"Don't waste your time/money on that!"
"Is playing 80 hours of Playstation over the course of the past 2 and a half weeks really a good investment of your time?"
"Time is money!"

Should I feel bad for "spending" on something I enjoy? If this overvaluation of time and money is the epitome of American value, we as idyllic Americans should all sell our material possesions, make prudent investment decisions, and commit a crime like embezzelment so that we can be sent away to a minimum-security prision where we will have lots of time and we won't need to spend our money. You know, I don't know if money or time are all that important to me anymore...

Anti-Zen statements I wrote my senior year of high school:

1) “Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you are going to get.”

Well actually… thanks to a new law passed by our beloved congressmen, chocolate manufacturers are now required to print nutrition facts on every box. Now you always know what you are going to get.

2) “There is always a first time for everything.”

Well actually… there are quite a few things that will never happen. For example, Government class will never start on time, Everlasting Gobstoppers will never last forever, and Madeira will never have anything other than a circle prom.

3) “It is better to be a reed in the sea than an oak in a windstorm.”

Well actually… to begin with, this in not actually a fair comparison. But that fact aside, oaks are very sturdy and are rarely debased by merely a strong gust of wind. A reed in the sea however, is more likely to be knocked around and eaten by a large whale or thrown on to the shore where it rots into a pile of steaming sea sludge in the sun.

4) “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

Well actually… this statement is neither entirely true nor entirely false. Rather, it is a paradoxical statement upon closer examination. During the Civil war (also a paradoxical statement), a two ton mortar rolled of the back of a wagon and killed two men. Therefore, guns actually can kill people. The fact that people kill people is undisputed and I will leave this assertion alone. I feel that I must also point out that bullets, not guns usually kill people. These bullets were however, designed, manufactured, purchased, loaded, and willed from the chamber of a gun by people.

5) “Never say never.”

Well actually… if you believe this piece of pseudo-wisdom exists you are sadly mistaken. It never has and it never will be anything other than an idiotic paradoxical statement that maintains the property of nonexistence.

I would like to thank the morons who came up with these quippy tidbits of apparent logic. They fooled many with their sagacious sounding statements, but I was not fooled. I have exposed the fallacies of their assertions through careful analysis. Please feel free to take any seemingly intelligent statement and promptly debunk it.

This concluded my deep though session. Because I was conscious, I made this effort. I will now regress back to my normal state of semi-consciousness. Thank you.

Eggs are bad for you again so don't eat them until they are good for you again which will probably around the middle of next week.

Recording "artists" have some "great" names? Here are a few of my favorite:

1) J-Lo : A gelatin snack?

2) Puff Daddy: Can be found in the cereal isle. P. Diddy oh yeah, that's much better...Isn't that a Nintendo game?

3) Backstreet Boys: Exactly which backstreet did these guys come from? Maybe they should be called the "Preppy Suburban Boys."

4) Eminem: Despite using the phonetic spelling, he is still named after a tiny candy-coated milk chocolate. Ah, the symbolism...

5) O Town: Maybe "O" stands for "Original"...

6) Limp Bizkit: Preheat oven to 400 degrees, place bad name on a greased cookie sheet, bake for 22-24 years.

When run comes to walk...you are probably tired.

I catch myself taking technology for granted sometimes. I first used a computer back in the mid-80s when I was just a kid and have been since. It's really amazing to look back and think of all the advances that have been made over the course of just two decades: the color monitor (EGA,CGA doesn't really count so I mean VGA to large flat screens), the mouse (from nonexistant to laser-guided scrolling quadruple button ones), the harddrive (from 0mb average to 40Gb average), the processor (from 10mhz to 2.5Ghz), the memory (64kb to 1Gb), the Internet (from pretty much nonexistant to dial-up to broadband), the OS (from DOS, to Win 3.1 to Win 95, Win 98, Win ME, Win 2000, Win XP), the printer (from dot-matrix, to inkjet and/or laser), the cd-rom (from nonexistant to slow, then fast, to rewritable to DVD to rewritable DVD).
The things I can do with technology today would have been unthinkable just a few years ago. I can watch TV on my 19" monitor while Instant Messaging people from around the world while downloading music, searching for movies, and burning a CD with over 150 songs. I can buy or sell just about anything on the Internet and can send "mail" to dozens of people for free without even trying. None of this was very realistic just 10 years. If you have just read this and understood what I'm talking about without skimming right to the bottom, you are truely keeping up with modern technology. Keep in mind that there are actually people out there that haven't. Some people still don't have email or an Internet connection. Some people still use dot-matrix printers. Be patient. I have no idea where I'm going with this so if you do just mentally finish this in your own special way.

I love how cigarette companies are releasing all these anti-smoking ads for kids. Here's an American capitalist idea: "let's spend millions to get people to not buy our product." I'm also intrigued by the logic that "smoking is wacko if your a teen...but as soon as you turn 18 it's totally safe; in fact, smoke a carton a day and you'll be really cool!"

An overlooked automotive saftey issue: acceleration and handling. Minivans, Volvo's, etc. adverstise their "superb" ability prevent serious injury and/or death in an automobile accident. But what they fail to tell you is that because of their tortoise-like behavior they get into more crashes from which point they "reduce" injury to passengers. How often do I ram my car into a wall at 35mph? Never. I need a car that keeps me safe by giving me the ability to not hit the wall in the first place. My friend had a Volvo and was rearended by a drunk driver. He saw her coming but couldn't accelerate quickly enough to get out of the way (due to its Volvo-esque nature). Had he been in a "safer" car like a Corvette or a Viper, he would have been easily able to get out of the way and totally avoided the accident. I don't think you should get that 5th saftey star if you can't get from 0-60mph in under 7 seconds. And maybe you can get a 6th star if you don't sell your cars to bad drivers...

Here's a business plan for total losers: sell your loser services! For a % of the winnings, tell people what you would bet on so that they can do the opposite and win!

Unnecessary, superfluous, extraneous redundancy is bothersome, annoying, and disturbing.

You remember what happened to Hansel and Gretel don't you? Neither do I.

Always question someone who questions your questioning.

My dream job is to be the guy that fills up vending machines.

How long after bread was invented did it take for people to invent sliced bread?

"McDonaldization" isn't just a faceless theory. I've actually come across a "McClean" (pay toilets and showers in Europe) and a "McBed" (cheap youth hostle in Munich). I wonder what they'll "Mc" next: "Take the McSubway to the McAirport, go to gate C57 and take the McAirplane back to London."

I don't think I ever want to get into it with Knowing since it is half the battle.

I'm not caucasian, I'm a Euromutt.

Remember when MTV stood for "Music TeleVision?" I wonder what it stands for now...

Everytime I look in the mirror I catch someone staring.

Since numbers are infinite, any sound or word you could utter would by definition be a number.
"I want a raise of a buttload dollars."
"I'm sorry, my final offer stands at a crapload."

Did you know... water has water as its first ingredient and has 0 calories, 0 fat, 0 carbohydrates, 0 cholesterol? Thanks to the FDA we now have "Nutrition Facts" on bottled water. Sadly no one yet knows exactly what is in beer...

Here are the official sports you can do and be successful at while drinking:

1) Bowling: Knock 'em down while your knockin' down.

2) Golf: It's legal to DUI a golf cart.

3) Darts: Every quality drinking establishment should have these.

4) Fishing: What else are you going to do? Catch fish? Not!

5) Billiards: Duh!

6) Video Games: This is at least as much a sport as bowling or golf...

When was the last time you said "when was the last time?"

You are what you eat. Does that make a canibal who eats a vegetarian a vegetarian?

Have you ever noticed how everything from Abercrombie & Fitch looks like it came out fo the 70's? Great business model. Just wait till the fashions for the new decade are rolling in and buy up all the stuff from the old fashion for next to nothing; then you can sell them two decades later at exorbitant prices for a net profit increase of 8,500%!

Never judge a book by its cover; just rip the cover off and judge away!

Did you know...

Corn Dogs are not actually made out of dogs but rather are a combination of miscellaneous pork products coated in a corn based substance.

P.S. Corn Dogs are also available made with beef parts instead of pork!

"Based upon the results we saw several years ago in endurance racing with Team Shelby, we felt Mobil 1 could do the job in the Viper, Dodge's highest-performance sports car."
– Charlie Brown III, Viper Engine Supervisor,
DaimlerChrysler Corporation

Now we know what Charlie Brown is up to. He's lubing Vipers. Wait a minute...

Whenever someone is trying to explain something to you and have the need to kill some time or piss the explainer off, just keep asking the same question.

"And then you pull on this lever and the trunk releases...."
"But what does it mean?..."
"It means that you can now put things in or take things out of your trunk."
"But what does it mean?..."

Invariably you will eventually get the response, "What do you mean what do you mean."
That's when you know you've won.

A lot of people say "I could care less." If they could care less, then this might be a major issue and should be resolved immediately. Maybe they mean "I couldn't care less." Then it would be unimportant and we could all move on. I could care less about this issue but I don't.

Have you tried the new "flavored" oreos? The mint ones are really good and so are the peanutbutter ones. I highly recommend them.

When was the last time you asked yourself when the last time something was?

"Life is like a box of chocolates, it only costs $14.95."

Why am I always questioning things? Should I be concerned? Does anyone else have questioning questions?

Note to self: when it rains, it pours.

Is there really more than one way to skin a cat?

Bin Laden killed Dale Earnhardt! There go 3,000 bass boats across the Atlantic filled with rednecks sporting shotguns and wife-beaters. Do you think they know where Afghanistan is?

Quipy is too a word!

I've been playing Final Fantasy X for the past few weeks. Good game, nice graphics, interesting plot, dumb name. Apparently it isn't really "Final" if you have 10 of them and are in the works on an eleventh. Maybe it should be called the "Neverending Story." No wait, I think that's already taken.

You know when you are having a conversation with someone and you are trying to sound halfway intellegent but then you listen to yourself and realize you are just a dumbass and should stop talking but don't because you think you will appear even dumber if you don't at least finish you dumb though. Yeah, I hate that.

Things I've gotten done at work today: read below.

I haven't quite figured out what car manufacturers are thinking when they come up with names for some of their cars. It's bad enough that most of the stuff they sell is sheer gorilla dung but what's just as bad is some of the names the come up with for these automotive manufacturer excrements.

1) Ford Aspire: I, as a cheaply made, extreamly shoddy car, Aspire to be something better: like a big-wheel or tricycle.

2) Any "Limited" car: It's a good thing they are limiting production this car since it is in the running for the most worthless vehicle on the planet.

3) Mercury Lynx: You have seen this car and not even know you saw it. I'm not an animal expert but from what I understand, a lynx is a ferocious and nimble animal: unapproachably dangerous. The Mercury Lynx however is nothing like the animal except for the "unapporachably dangerous" part. I wouldn't recommend getting to close to one.

4) Chevrolet Monte Carlo: I just recently visited Monte Carlo in Monaco and was amazed to find that there were no Chevrolet Monte Carlos anywhere: just Ferraris, Porsches, lamborghinis, Bentleys, Rolls Royces, and the occasional Maserati.

5) Buick Le Sabre: Despite the French name it is not French! Also, having spent some time in France I learned that there are a total of 4 buicks there. None of which are Le Sabres.

6) Pontiac Aztec: Amazingly, not at all related to the Aztecs. Not even designed by one!

7) Infinity: Don't know much about the cars but I do know that the name lets you know exactly how long you'll be making payments on it....

8) Ford Expedition: I don't think a trip to the grocery store for some milk on your way back from dropping your kids off at soccer really counts as an "Expedition."

9) Geo Storm: I a nice strong one is about all it would take to make this car disintegrate.

10) Pontiac Phoenix: It dies and early death and contrary to popular belief does NOT rise from the ashes.

One of my biggest pet peves is seeing these mammouth SUVs driving along on the highway with one person inside, swerving as he/she talks on a cell phone. Reasons why this annoys me:

1) I like cell phones, they are incredibly usefull. Sometimes I talk on a cell phone while driving but not often. If for some reason I desperately need to talk on the phone while driving I SLOW down so I don't swerve etc. When I SLOW down, I make sure I am conciderate of other drives and get out of the way. Also, since my car has a manual transmission, talking on the phone, steering, and shifting at the same time is much more difficult than talking on a cell phone in an SUV (99.93% are automatics) and I manage just fine.

2) I'm glad to see that you got a vehicle as wide as my car is long and four times its weight so that you could comfortably carry yourself and your suitcase to work everyday.

3) What sport exactly are "Sport Utility Vehicles" supposed to be participating it? Is it the "I'm top heavy so I'll flip over into a ditch if I take this curve at a speed greater than 15miles per hour" competition? Or is it the "I get 12mpg, how far can I perform my "Sport" before I drain $20 in gas? (answer approx. 140 miles)"

4) There should be a "wide ass tax" on SUVs. If a Viper has a $3,000 luxury gas-gussler tax and an SUV like the Ford Excreation (I mean Excursion) gets the same gas mileage but is twice as tall and weighs four times as much shouldn't there be some kind of tax on that too? I'd rather everyone drive a Viper around since I can at least see around and over those in a normal "non-roll-over-into-a-ditch" vehicle.

5) One word: Firestone

Why is it we even have pennies? They are the second most useless coin in the world. The first being of course the 2 pence piece. The coin is huge! Yet you still can't buy anything with it. And if you have lots of these 2 pence pieces the only place that would accept it would the the UK. And who really wants to go to that dreary island and drag a bunch of 2 pence pieces so they can buy a pack of gum or something? Both the 2 pence piece and the penny (both American and Euro) should be removed from circulation. This would make almost a billion people's lives improve slightly. It's not curing cancer or creating world peace but it's a start! But what about paying for a pair of furry mittens and a package of "peeps" that cost $26.37? Just give them $26.35, they'll get over the 2 cents... That was my two cents on two cents....

I tried to buy an AC compressor from Autozone.com but it still hasn't come in over a week later. I don't actually know why I bought it online since it costs an extra $15 to ship. So today I went into the store and ordered it. It will be in on Thursday. Note to self: Never buy from Autozone.com. Also, I tried to cancel my order and called during their posted business hours 8-5cst and got a machine that told me to call back on the next business day. I called back and tried a different option and actually spoke to a person. When I told her about getting a machine during business hours she prompty transfered me another machine. I emailed them (after searching for an address for several minutes) and told them about my complaint and told them to keep their crap. I also said that I will take my business elseware. Since I actually went to the store to buy it I sort of took it elsewhere but not really. But I really mean to avoid buying things from Autozone. But when you buy so many car parts sometimes you just have to. Note to self: stick with Advance Auto Parts

Here's an original quote: "If you are concious, you might as well make an effort."

...ellipses help me...to express...things...

Just think of all of the billions of hours wasted blogging and reading blogs....Then think of the terabytes needed to store all these blogs. No wonder we haven't cured cancer or sent a man to Mars yet....

Right out of the blue, my Aunt got a dog. He is a Papillion named Charlie. My Aunt and my two cousins came over for the holiday yesterday and brought the new addition. My dog, Copper, a 10-year old miniature longhaired dachshund seemed unphased. Charlie can’t talk yet; he is only three months old. Do all dogs need to learn how to speak? Heidi, my previous miniature shorthaired dachshund didn’t discover that she could bark until she was almost a year old.

It's amazing that with the amount of time I now save by using computers, technology, etc. I still don't have enough time to get everything I want to get done. Perhaps it's because I am overambitious....(not!)....

Blog gains consciousness...