Anti-Zen statements I wrote my senior year of high school:

1) “Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you are going to get.”

Well actually… thanks to a new law passed by our beloved congressmen, chocolate manufacturers are now required to print nutrition facts on every box. Now you always know what you are going to get.

2) “There is always a first time for everything.”

Well actually… there are quite a few things that will never happen. For example, Government class will never start on time, Everlasting Gobstoppers will never last forever, and Madeira will never have anything other than a circle prom.

3) “It is better to be a reed in the sea than an oak in a windstorm.”

Well actually… to begin with, this in not actually a fair comparison. But that fact aside, oaks are very sturdy and are rarely debased by merely a strong gust of wind. A reed in the sea however, is more likely to be knocked around and eaten by a large whale or thrown on to the shore where it rots into a pile of steaming sea sludge in the sun.

4) “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”

Well actually… this statement is neither entirely true nor entirely false. Rather, it is a paradoxical statement upon closer examination. During the Civil war (also a paradoxical statement), a two ton mortar rolled of the back of a wagon and killed two men. Therefore, guns actually can kill people. The fact that people kill people is undisputed and I will leave this assertion alone. I feel that I must also point out that bullets, not guns usually kill people. These bullets were however, designed, manufactured, purchased, loaded, and willed from the chamber of a gun by people.

5) “Never say never.”

Well actually… if you believe this piece of pseudo-wisdom exists you are sadly mistaken. It never has and it never will be anything other than an idiotic paradoxical statement that maintains the property of nonexistence.

I would like to thank the morons who came up with these quippy tidbits of apparent logic. They fooled many with their sagacious sounding statements, but I was not fooled. I have exposed the fallacies of their assertions through careful analysis. Please feel free to take any seemingly intelligent statement and promptly debunk it.

This concluded my deep though session. Because I was conscious, I made this effort. I will now regress back to my normal state of semi-consciousness. Thank you.